WOW almost 2 years

It is coming up on two years that I started this journey... I can't believe that is true, but it was right after my 28th birthday and I turn 30 on October 29th... TWO YEARS... WOW

In these two years I have learned about more than weight loss, I have learned about myself... I set out on this journey to get healthy... not to look like a super model, but to be healthy.  I wanted to feel good, I wanted to have confidence, I wanted energy... of course I wanted to look better, but honestly the number on the scale wasn't as important to me as the feeling better part.

My original goal was 50lbs because I didn't believe I could possibly lose more than that.  Once I hit 50 I upped the goal to 100, once I hit 75 I upped it to 140... I haven't hit that 100 pound marker yet, and I guess I could look at myself as a failure for that... I mean in almost 2 years I haven't hit 100 pounds, seriously?!?!  To be quite honest,I HAVE looked at myself as a failure for awhile... It is FRUSTRATING!!! When you are trying so hard and you just feel stuck.  I am not gonna lie, I have not been being perfect, I have been doing little cheats here and there, but for the last month and a half I have maintained with in a 3 pound range.  And you know what, after I quit focusing on "you haven't hit 100lbs" I became okay with that, for now...

Two years is a LONG time to stick to a program... people burnout in 2 months... I have stuck to this and I have been successful, and I am proud of that... Am I where I want to be? NO But have I accomplished my original goal of feeling better, healthier, more confident? YES  I could sit here and beat myself up, but I'm pretty positive that doesn't fit in the "Healthy body, mind, & soul" category.

I think I needed a little "burn out" so that I could remember how great it DOES NOT feel when you aren't giving your health 100% and so that I could realize that I WILL be able to maintain this weight loss, where ever it is that I decide to maintain.

I've always said that there is a lot more to weight loss than weight loss, and I sincerely believe that... When you start losing drastic amounts of weight you start dealing with emotions that you aren't prepared for... excitement, fear, insecurity, false security... it's a roller coaster... If  I had lost the 140lbs in a year, or even two, I don't think I would be able to handle the emotions that came with it.  So, maybe I haven't lost as quickly as I'd like or as others think I should have, but I have lost at the rate that is safe for ME... physically & emotionally.

A Healthy Life Within my Life

It has been over a month since my last blog, what's up with that???? Well, actually A LOT lol
When I left my job at the Weight Loss Zone it was not an easy decision and although I knew it was the right one it was very difficult.  It took me a good month to kind of regroup and to be honest some of my "regrouping" included not eating as great as I would have liked.  I guess I just needed a little time to process things and make a new game plan.  Does that ever happen to you?

So in the last month I have been able to finally catch my footing where my career is concerned and my personal life is better than ever.  I feel like "Katy" again :-) Here's what I know, when I start to lose touch with "Katy" I start comforting myself in other ways, drug of choice... FOOD. 

Now, granted, to the average person my food choices were not bad at all but I know that for my body they weren't the right choices.  I gained about 9 pounds back in my "regrouping" period... not something I like admitting... BUT, now that my happiness factor is back up to where it belongs I have lost 3 in the last two weeks :-)  I'm now learning to live a healthy life within my life.  That if I am at my best friend's birthday party and I eat a slice of cake its not the end of the world, yes it will set me back, but it doesn't mean that I have to give up eating well that day... it's about balance.  By the way, I'm kind of a "all or nothing" kind of girl so this concept is VERY difficult for me to master, but I'm working on it.

I guess that is why I named this blog the JOURNEY from Fat to Phat... there are ups and downs, smooth times and rough times but as long as I don't give up I will be okay... sometimes we learn more on the bumpy patches... I've got to admit though, I'm really enjoy the smooth patches more :-)

Tomorrow... HELLO TREADMILL!!!

I have come to realize that sometimes... ONLY sometimes... there are things more important than staying 100% on program.  One of my very best friends is in town and we have been getting as much quality time as possible while she is here... And you know us southerners, when you are with family there is food... and by food I mean DELICIOUS food.  The last few days have been wonderful, I have missed Lyndi so much and I love her family... its one of those families that I feel like I am family as much as anyone else. 

I am headed over to have lunch with them in a bit and was honestly thinking of cancelling... Not because I don't want to go but because I know there will be fabulous items that are almost impossible for me to say no to... I really struggled for awhile about whether or not I should attend and then I almost felt ridiculous for even considering not spending time with these fabulous people. 

I began this journey because I didn't want food to control my life any longer but if I don't enjoy life for fear of what might be served am I any better off than I was before I began? I want every relationship in my life to be healthy... that includes food... and fear is not a part of healthy.

The fact is, its all about choices... today I choose to enjoy every second that I can with my dear friend.  I will not go overboard but one of the best part of family get togethers is the love that we share... and one way share it is through food.  I'm not giving myself a "free" day that I can eat whatever and however much I want, but I will indulge a bit because today there are more important things than the number on the scale.  Tomorrow... HELLO TREADMILL!!!!

Beginning to see it

I was having dinner with my friend Amanda, Sunday and I was telling her that I was wearing the same size as one of our friends and that I couldn't believe it because I think I look sooooo much larger then she does.  Amanda looked at me for a moment and replied... "I don't think you look soooo much bigger, I think you just don't see yourself in your new body yet... it will probably take awhile."

Well, I got new pics made yesterday and I decided to compare them with my album pics... I think I'm starting to see the difference.  I posted them below... I didn't want to say before and after because if you can't tell then I have ALOT more work to do lol.

The Last Leg

Today is my official RESTART DAY.  The last few months have been a bit of a transition period for me and although I haven't gone crazy with my eating, I have not been on program even 90%... This isn't something I'm proud of or anything I want to admit, but if I tell you the good stuff, I gotta tell you the bad, right?
What I am realizing about myself is that when my schedule gets off, or when my life is transitioning into a new chapter it is hard to hold on to my eating program.  It is not the eating that is difficult, it is the caring.  Eating well really isn't difficult once it becomes your lifestyle... but maybe its the change of my lifestyle that makes the eating difficult... hmmm, that kind of makes sense to me.  Why wouldn't my "diet" get off when I'm trying to make this transition?

Ok, so today I am getting into my new schedule and with that new schedule I am restarting my program.  I WILL hit my goal of losing 140-150 lbs!!! When I started this journey that number didn't exist... I thought "Maybe I will lose 50"  funny how things change :-) Now, I am finally to that point where 50 lbs is truly all I need to lose... CRAZY.  I am truly at the last leg of the marathon... got to harness every ounce of energy I have left to make the finish line... HERE WE GO!!!

A Lesson from Chex Mix???

A few weeks ago, in a moment of weakness, I bought chex mix... REALLY??? CHEX MIX???? On a scale to 1-10 on the "I love it" scale, chex mix is about a 4.5... I like it at a party, but I don't know that I have ever bought a bag of chex mix in my life.  So, I drove down the rode, eating my not really worth it snack, thinking "what am I doing???" I then proceeded to hold the bag out the window and let the carb packed pieces fly away. (not to worry, my environmentalist friends, I kept the bag and discarded it properly later)
Now, you have probably figured out by now that this led to my favorite question "WHY?"  It wasn't until I was discussing it with my friend Cindy that I understood.  Cindy is one of those intuitive people that has the amazing ability to give you "aha" moments, which is why I try to visit with her as often as possible.  She said, "Katy, what does Chex Mix look like?" I quickly responded, "A mess!" AHA!!!

Suddenly it all made sense... I had been feeling like my life was all jumbled up.  I was facing some big decisions and dealing with some of life's craziness and was honestly very overwhelmed.  It was as if I couldn't make heads or tails out of anything.  That bag of carbs was a perfect example of how I was feeling... instead of seeing cereal, pretzels, and nuts I saw a hodge podge of emotions and decisions.  It wasn't until the "Aha Moment" that I could separate each piece and deal with one thing out a time.

It kind of gives "eating your feelings" a whole new meaning.  So, I did a little experiment with myself.  I decided I would pay close attention to what I was craving and try to match it with the emotion I was having at that moment... now, I'm no scientist but I was intrigued by my results...

It seems that when I crave creamy foods like ice cream or pudding I tend to be feeling physically tense... needing something soothing.  Crunchy foods such as chips or popcorn are when I feel anxiety... needing to let out my nervous energy.  Anything sweet like chocolate or caramel is often craved when I am sad or lonely... needing a little happiness.

Interesting, don't you think???  With this new found information I have made a new goal... I will continue to pay close attention to how cravings & feelings coincide and then I will develop better, healthier ways to accomplish the intended result.  Pain... hot bath, anxiety... take a walk, sad or lonely... call a friend... you get the point.

Who knew I could learn so much from a little bag of Chex Mix??? :-)

Shocked... a bit of a rant

The other day I was visiting with a woman about weight loss.  I was shocked and I must admit a bit offended when she said, “Oh, you don’t have kids or a husband? No wonder it’s been easy for you to lose so much weight.”

I stood speechless, wanting to say, “WHAT?!?!?! Easy????  Sign me up for easily losing weight because that is NOT how I have lost nor is it how I continue to lose.”  How could someone think that anything about this has been easy?  I don’t care what station of life or what circumstances you are in, losing weight is difficult no matter how you look at it. 

Yes, not having children does make it easier not to bring junk food into my house and not having a husband does keep me from eating “MAN” food, whatever that means, but I have fought to be a loser!!!  I have gone to countless parties where I insisted on bringing veggie and meat & cheese trays just so that I wouldn’t be the only one not eating.  I have turned down invitations to girlfriend getaways so that I could stay on program and when I did join my besties I brought my own groceries so that I could stick to the plan. 

My marital status has nothing to do with my ability to lose weight, my will power and support system are what have helped and continue to help me on this journey.  When I sit alone in the evening I can eat whatever I want and no one would ever know…  No one is going to look at me and say, “Babe, what are you doing?”   I don’t have a live in cheerleader or a live in feeder for that matter.

What I am getting at is this is difficult for everyone; yes some things are easier when you are single but some things are not.  It’s a journey, no matter which road you are on there are ups and downs and obstacles that get in the way, the only way to succeed is to keep going and although you may have a detour, NEVER give up, NEVER quit, and NEVER assume that its easier for anyone else.

I want to eat!!!!

It is 2:48 in the afternoon and I want to eat!!!  I’d like to tell you that after changing your eating lifestyle you will never have the urge to eat out of any other reason but hunger… but it just isn’t true.  It has gotten easier but has yet to go away.  I’m sitting here… my brain racing, going a million miles per hour…   wanting to shut it up by stuffing my face.  I know it won’t work in the long run but at the moment it is hard to care.  I don’t want to deal with the thoughts running in my mind… I just want to feel happy for a minute and honestly chocolate would definitely help for a minute.

So, here I sit writing this blog, praying that it will keep me from devouring the contents of my kitchen.  I hate it when I feel this way!  It’s a sensation that is difficult to explain… It’s like my emotion is in my throat and if I swallow enough food it will push the emotion down deep enough that I won’t have to feel it… ugg!!!

One of my favorite alternatives to eating is sleeping… well I have to work in an hour so that isn’t an option.  My second choice is exercise but again I have to work in an hour, that’s not enough time to work out and clean up afterwards… ARRRGGGGG   So, I guess I will watch “House” for a few minutes and avoid the kitchen at all costs… wish me luck.

The Embers

When I set out on this journey I set a goal of 50 pounds with hopes of 100.  I am now at 98.8 pounds lost, 1.2 pounds from my original goal… What now?

“What now?” is the question I’ve been asking myself for over a week and unfortunately I don’t know that I’ve found a good answer.   What now... Now I will continue to lose, aiming for another 40 pounds, and that coveted size 8.  BUT, NOW the newness is gone.  That excitement of starting a plan, like playing a game with yourself to see if you can make the pieces fit in the fitness puzzle, is gone.  This once mysterious, thrilling “diet” game is now just my lifestyle.  Perhaps the question I should be asking is “How do I get that excitement back?”

I tell clients the more they come in for support the more they will lose.  I liken it to Church camp.  You know when you were a kid and you would go to camp and come home on fire, feeling invincible? Then as the year progressed, that fire slowly faded with the monotony of everyday life and just when the fire was reduced to glowing embers it was time for camp again.  Just in time, your fire would be renewed.  Now, don’t misunderstand, I am in no way saying WLZ is even close to as important or as powerful as God, but when you are on a journey of any kind you must refuel, for if the fire goes out its hard to restart.

My fire… as hard as it is to admit, is glowing embers.  It is still burning but the blaze is slowly dying.  I’ve lost the thrill of planning my meals, the excitement of each weigh in… now, it is just life.  But I wonder is the “ember” stage really a bad thing? After all that’s when the fire can be most useful.  You don’t cook on an out-of-control blaze, you wait until the fire has died some, then the real cooking begins.  So maybe this journey is entering the most important stage yet.  It’s easy to play a game, especially when you are winning, but to be in it for the long haul is another ballgame.  I’m just entering the big leagues…

“The Big Leagues” I like that...Yep, I think I’m going to like the “ember’s stage”.  That’s “what now”.

Sometimes a Pain but Always Worth It

Today I started writing in my food journal again.  When I began the Weight Loss Zone program I was faithful at writing every morsel I put into my mouth, even If it was just a bite of something I wrote it down.  The simple act of logging my intake possibly kept me on track more than any other technique I’ve tried.  It’s kind of unbelievable that something so simple can truly have such an impact… makes me wonder why.

You know me, when I wonder why I’m not happy until I discover the reason.  J  Curious about my findings?  Well, I’m going to tell you anyway lol.

A.      When I am dedicated to using my food diary I think twice before I eat anything.  One reason, being an honest and obvious reason, I don’t want anyone to know if I go off program.  If I decide a brownie sounds delicious and give in to the craving I’m not exactly proud afterward.  But, as you might have noticed, I’m honest to a fault so omitting anything from my log is not an option.  That pending embarrassment definitely helps me resist temptation.

B.      The food journal allows me to review my day.  In the evening, when I finally stop, my appetite wakes up.  At about 9 o’clock I WANT TO EAT.  Most days, whether I’m journaling or not, I can resist, but sometimes it feels impossible.  My food journal is kind of a secret weapon.  The moment I feel the urge to stroll into the kitchen I open it and review my day.  Seeing my intake helps me realize most times I’m not physically hungry.  Occasionally, I AM HUNGRY, on those days I look at my day’s log to see if there is a reason.  Maybe I didn’t eat enough at dinner, or I went to long between “refueling”, whatever the reason, it re-instills why closely following the WLZ program is crucial.

Almost every “diet” I have ever been on recommends a food diary.  There MUST be a million reasons why it is important.  Surely there is some psychological relevancy.  However, I have degree in music NOT psychology so I won’t pretend to know the relevancy.  As someone on the weight loss journey I know how it benefits me.  As a weight loss consultant, I know how it benefits me AND my clients.  A food journal is an incredible tool that is often overlooked.  Journaling can be a pain, another thing to add into our day, but it is helpful, so in my mind, that means it’s worth it.

Diet Like a Diva

The Urban Dictionary definition of Diva is adj. pronounced (DEE-VAH)- 1.to describe a person who exudes great style and personality with confidence and expresses their own style not letting others influence who they are or want to be. 2. A person whose character makes them stands out from the rest. 3. Noun; a person's title in a group of friends or in society that is popular or famous and who many people try to copy. 4. A person who tries to achieve what they want and who do not let people get in their way, doing so with style and class.

The main thing I gathered from this definition is that a Diva does what it takes to live the life she wants.  She believes in herself and has the confidence to do what is best for her.  She sets her mind on a goal and makes the necessary steps to achieve it.  So, I have decided that from this moment on, I will Diet like a Diva. 

What a great goal, right?  To stick to the menu and WLZ plan with confidence, knowing that it will produce the results I desire.  Sometimes it is easier to go with the flow even if that means eating items that may not be the best options.  However, there is something empowering when I say no to wedding cake or go to a child’s pizza party and resist the buffet and head to the salad bar.  I get this little “GO ME” feeling.  Can you say CONFIDENCE???

 We have all been around that person who is on a “diet” that looks at what we’re eating with disgust and then goes on and on telling us every reason why not only she won’t eat it but why we shouldn’t either.  NOT CLASSY.  I understand that other people don’t have the same issues I do.  Maybe their metabolism is naturally high, or they spend hours in the gym every day, whatever the reason it is not my job to judge.  I don’t want others looking at me like I’m crazy for eating a salad so why would I look at them that way for eating cake?  I will just enjoy my healthy meal and ask them how their's tastes… no judgment necessary.  I will be a CLASS ACT.

The best part of the Diva definition is “a person whose character makes them stand out from the rest”.  On this journey there have been times when what I chose to eat did seem to make me “stand out”.  At first it really bothered me.  I suppose it might have something to do that I never wanted people to see me eat because I was afraid of what they might think.  Now I realize that when others notice it is simply curiosity.  They want to know what I am doing to help me loose so much weight.  Once I figured that out it didn’t bother me in the least.  And if people want to copy my menu… well I guess that would make a Diva.

In my life, if I want something I make it happen.  I do whatever it takes to reach my goals, why would weight loss be any different?  So here’s to Dieting Like A Diva… Who’s with me??

First Day of Spring

My Facebook Status Saturday evening read “Although I'm worn out, this has been a great week. I FINALLY brought Katy back so now operation bring sexy back is ON full speed... watch out world” and that is EXACTLY how I feel.

There have been times in my life when something has happened that has just flat knocked the wind out of my sails.  These are the times when I realize that I am truly a GREAT actress.  Please don’t get me wrong, I am in no way fake.  When I get excited when clients lose weight it is genuine, when I get sad when clients are upset it is real but I’m going to be very honest right now, sometimes, I don’t feel happy.  Sometimes I wake up and want to immediately go back to sleep.  Sometimes I have to force myself to be upbeat.  Sometimes I have to remind myself, that although life feels heavy, I’ve got to put on smile.

The last few months have been hard for me, personally.  Things have happened that made me lose sight of that inner peace and strength that I rely so heavily.  So, I did what I always do, take it one breath at a time, put one step in front of another and keep going.  But sometimes I’m such a good actress that I fool myself into believing that I’m okay. I get so use to going through the motions that I forget what it’s like to be truly happy. But lucky for me, I’m not going through the motions today.

So, you might be wondering what this has to do with my weight loss journey... EVERYTHING.  I have continued to lose during this little happy hiatus, but not like I had wanted.  I haven’t turned to food to comfort myself but I haven’t focused on getting healthy as much as I’d like either.  All of my energy was being used on surviving (emotionally) instead of going towards what is so important to me. 

Life does that sometimes, throws us a curve ball that we just aren’t expecting, and it takes time to figure it out.  It’s no fun and it can feel impossible.  So, we go through the motions and we stay the course, and eventually it passes and the season changes.

Today is the first day of spring, a new season.  I can’t wait to see what it brings.  But I do have some spring “resolutions” if you will.  I am going to enjoy the extra hour of sunshine in the evenings and walk as often as I can.  I am going to wake up in the morning to the birds singing and remember that there is so much to sing about.  I am going to take full advantage of the beautiful produce that is coming in season.  I am going to breathe the cool morning air and be thankful for the day.

You see, just as stress and sadness can affect our weight loss, so can peace and happiness.  So, the next time you see me and think “she look likes she’s lost even more weight” you can be confident that you are probably right because now that the weight of the world is off my shoulders I’m expecting the rest of the weight to come off too. 

Oh, one more resolution, I will remember to live by my motto “Life is too short to be unhappy” J

More to Weight Loss than Weight Loss

I forgot to mention one change; I have now become the go to person for most of my friends about anything concerning health and weight loss.  Now, I will not claim to know everything there is about health, in fact I openly admit that there is A LOT I don’t know, but I will say I DO know how hard it is.  The most recent conversation I had about weight loss was about plateaus.  My friend asked if I ever had a week when I didn’t lose. I quickly replied, “Girl, I’ve had weeks when I have gained!!!”  She looked at me with a bit of disbelief and responded “Really??? How did you keep going?”  My response went something like the following:

Well, it wasn’t easy, especially the first time it happened.  I had been soooo good, hadn’t deviated at all and I went up a pound.  I’m pretty sure I bawled.  Jan (my consultant) explained that there were a lot of reasons why our weight might fluctuate.  Water retention is the main reason that I fluctuate and there are a million reasons why we retain water;  Injuries, change in barometric pressure, stress, lack of sleep, starting a new exercise regimen, illness, the list goes on and on.  So on days when my water weight was up we would measure.  I ALWAYS saw a drop in inches and that would keep me going.

After a while I got really irritated with my waters affecting my weight.  I started getting extremely frustrated, and the inches just weren’t having as much of a redeeming quality so I had to do some major soul searching.  Upon a lot of introspection, I came to a realization; weight loss isn’t just about weight loss.  (At this point my friend looked at me like I had lost my mind, so I continued)  What were the benefits to losing weight? Was it just so the scale would show a smaller number? Not for me.  I had decided to lose weight for many reasons and the fact that I wouldn’t have to lie on my driver’s license was NOT one of them.  Here is my list: Better health, feel better, have more energy, improve self- confidence, decrease pain levels, wear a smaller size, to never hear “you have such a pretty face” EVER again.  None of those reasons have anything to do with the number on the scale.

Please, don’t get me wrong, the scale is a crucial part of this journey.  It is a wonderful tool to show progress.  Do I love being able to say that I have lost almost 100 lbs??? YOU BET I DO, wouldn’t you?  But I love having more energy, wearing a smaller size than I did in High School, feeling more confident, living a healthy lifestyle and all the other wonderful benefits even more.   

So, the next time you feel like giving up.  When you have done perfect all week and that scale doesn’t reward your hard work with a lower number, PLEASE remember the scale is only one factor in this journey.  Don’t give up because you are reaping many more benefits.  That scale will be kinder next week.

A Few Surprises

When I started this Journey I was only concerned about pounds & inches it never occurred to me that other changes would occur.  I didn’t realize what a trip it would be the first time I had to venture into the “normal” sizes when shopping.  I have been out of the Plus Sizes for months but a huge part of me still thinks I don’t belong in the Ladies section.  It sounds silly but when I’m shopping for the coveted smaller sizes I am afraid people are looking at me saying “Bless her heart, she thinks she can wear that…”  Crazy, right?

Another oddity for me is how much more I get hit on.  I have always been friendly and I have never had a problem attracting members of the opposite sex but it has always been for my sparkling personality, not for being pretty, or sexy, or anything like that.  In fact half the time I don’t even realize that I’m getting hit on.  My defining moment was when a friend & I were at a store and she started giggling and said “wow, that guy almost ran into me he was checking you out so hard…” I thought she was crazy but then she started to point things out to me and I started realizing… I’m not the FAT FRIEND anymore… CRAZY!!!

One not so exciting change is feeling.  All of a sudden I have to truly feel.  When I get upset it’s like this unknown phenomenon, as if I have never felt sad, mad, angry or any other negative emotion in my life.  Which is ridiculous, obviously in 29 years I have had my fair share of heartache but now I have to deal with it.  I can’t ignore it; I can’t open a pint of ice cream and pretend I’m not experiencing emotions.  The funniest thing is I didn’t even realize that’s what I was doing.  I didn’t consciously say “ok, I’m upset, I think frozen yogurt will fix it” but eating frozen yogurt felt good, negative emotions not so much.  So now I feel things much more intensely.  The good thing is this includes positive emotions as well.  I wonder if it’s like when people quit smoking and say they can really taste their food.  It is as if I had sort of numbed my “feeling” senses.

I’ve got to admit I’d much rather not feel negative emotions but I think it’s a part of the journey.  I’ve gotten the eating down, now I just have to get the internal stuff under control.  I’ve got to handle life in a positive way, a way that doesn’t end up harming me in the end.  So, today I might be a little teary eyed over something that normally wouldn’t faze me but I’m going to ride this wave and figure it out as I go.  But I know that I’m getting further & further along on this journey and I can’t turn back now.  So if losing the weight and keeping it off means I’ve got deal with some demons I will deal with them because healthy feels so good and that’s one emotion I LOVE feeling.   

Emotional Eating Escapade

You know when I said this journey isn’t always easy? Well, this week has been one of those not so easy weeks.  I have noticed that when life is routine and business as usual, staying on program is SOOOOO much easier.  It is when it throws me a curve ball that things get complicated.

This week seemed like any other week, same basic schedule, but man, emotions were running high.  Everyday threw something new at me. Things that maybe individually wouldn’t have been big but together seemed monstrous.  I found myself mindlessly walking to the kitchen, standing before the open refrigerator searching for something.  Not exactly sure what “something” was… pain relief, stress relief, ANY kind of relief...  I felt as though if I stood there long enough I would find something promising comfort. 

Okay, now for the honesty… I WISH I could say that at this point my inner voice yelled “STEP AWAY FROM THE ICE BOX!!!!” but alas, that would be a lie.  Did I stress eat? Yes.  Did I go off the deep end and completely fall of the wagon? No.  But I did stumble.

My little Emotional Eating Escapade, as I have not so lovingly deemed it, led me to a very important question.  Why didn’t my inner voice yell? I mean most of the time it is relentless until I walk out of the kitchen completely.  What made this week different???  This is a biggie.  It has taken A LOT of soul searching to figure this one out.  But, I think I might have come up with the answer, or at least MY answer.

My little voice WAS yelling at the top of its lungs but it couldn’t find the right words so all I heard was “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”  Now, if you knew my mother you would know that “NO” NEVER worked on me.  I was the kid who, when told not to stick my fingers in the light socket would ask “Why?” and if the reason didn’t come fast enough, would make a B-Line toward the forbidden light socket.  Yep, that’s right, I am a “WHY?” person.  So, if you were going to tell me NO you had better be ready with a reason. 

On this day my inner voice couldn’t figure out the why.  Why was I wanting to eat? Why was I so upset that I was ready to ruin all the good I had done all day? Why would anything in this kitchen make me feel better? I didn’t know.  All I knew was a) I was anxious b) I needed something to calm me down c) I wanted something FAST.  I stood there asking myself everything I could think of “what’s going on?” “Are you hungry?” “Is there another way to comfort yourself?” Every questions came up with the same response “I don’t know!” which only added to the frustration. So finally I gave in, knowing good and well this had nothing to do with a physiological need to nourish my body, and everything to do with wanting to nourish my soul.

About half way through my protein bar (I know, why cheat with a protein bar, but I don’t keep “bad” food so, it’s all I had in my house LOL) things began to click.  All of a sudden I was flooded with “Whys”.  Every emotion I had been bottling up for the previous few days came rushing to the surface and it clicked.  My little voice began labeling the emotions and their origins.  Suddenly I was able to deal with the feelings and end my Emotional Eating Escapade. 

Do I wish the “Whys” would have come sooner? Absolutely.  Did I feel incredibly guilty about my stress eating moment? You know it! So, I called my mom (she was the only person I knew would be up at this late hour) and confessed my sins.  I said, “Ok Mom, I just … I am telling you so it’s not a secret and so I can forgive myself and move on” She, knowing me a little too well, talked me through some of the emotions and anxiety I was feeling, helped me let go, and told me she was still proud of me.  Maybe next time I will just start out by calling her J

The Journey Begins

In my life a lot of “F” words have described me… Fun, Friendly, even some REALLY great words like Fabulous, Fantastic, but there was that one “F” word that seemed to overshadow the rest, the “F” word that no one had to say, but I knew was there… FAT.  Who knew just three letters could hurt so much?  So one day, I decided I didn’t like that “F” word… I would keep the rest, but that one HAD to go.  On that day I began my journey from FAT to PHAT.

This was a journey I had been working towards for a long time… group meetings, shakes, pills, books, making up my own diets like only eat sugar one day a week, or not eating anything with more than 10 grams of fat, you name it I tried it.  Now, I could spot a bad idea, like the donut diet… Come on, really? But if it made the least bit of sense to me, I would try it. The thing is each path led me right back to where I started, and sometimes it set me even further back than I where I had begun. 

So on the day I decided to eliminate the “F” word I realized that I didn’t just need a path, I needed a guide.  Not just any guide, I needed a guide that had traveled this road, that had a map, a compass, and every other tool necessary to make this a successful journey.  I found that guide the moment I walked into the Weight Loss Zone, two weeks after my 28^th birthday.

I walked into my consultation somewhat of a skeptic.  It was a free consultation so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to listen but honestly didn’t expect to hear anything new.  I was expecting to get the usual take this pill, don’t eat bad food, come back in when you need more pills but to my surprise I got so much more.  Normally, I am a very confident person but when it comes to my weight I have always been incredibly insecure, so I walked into the office NERVOUS.  I knew some size 0, super model look alike would pretend to understand how I feel while secretly thinking “well maybe if you would stop eating you wouldn’t weigh 315 pounds” which brings me to surprise #1.

Surprise #1

A beautiful, NORMAL sized woman with a great smile warmly greeted me without a hint of judgment in her eyes.  She led me to the scale, which should have made me want to hide, but somehow I didn’t.  I knew whatever the number was, it was ok.  We then went into, what I assumed was the consultation room.  We sat there and got to know each other.  She asked me a few questions about me and my lifestyle, again never making me feel ashamed of my daily menu.  In fact she gave me a HUGE shock!

Surprise #2

She said, “You don’t eat enough” WHAT!?! Are you kidding me???  I thought this must be a trick, but it wasn’t.  She began explaining how the body works and things began to click.  It seemed so simple when she explained it.  I actually believed that this might be the right guide for me. 

I wish I could say I signed up and the rest is history, but that would be too easy and my momma always said to stay away from things that were too good to be true.  It hasn’t always been easy, and it still isn’t always easy, but it has and IS worth every step.  I began the Journey from FAT to PHAT at 315 lbs and a size 28; today I have lost over 90 lbs, 112 inches, and am wearing a size 12/14.  The best part… it’s still working! I have more to lose but now I KNOW I can do it.