When I started this Journey I was only concerned about pounds & inches it never occurred to me that other changes would occur. I didn’t realize what a trip it would be the first time I had to venture into the “normal” sizes when shopping. I have been out of the Plus Sizes for months but a huge part of me still thinks I don’t belong in the Ladies section. It sounds silly but when I’m shopping for the coveted smaller sizes I am afraid people are looking at me saying “Bless her heart, she thinks she can wear that…” Crazy, right?
Another oddity for me is how much more I get hit on. I have always been friendly and I have never had a problem attracting members of the opposite sex but it has always been for my sparkling personality, not for being pretty, or sexy, or anything like that. In fact half the time I don’t even realize that I’m getting hit on. My defining moment was when a friend & I were at a store and she started giggling and said “wow, that guy almost ran into me he was checking you out so hard…” I thought she was crazy but then she started to point things out to me and I started realizing… I’m not the FAT FRIEND anymore… CRAZY!!!
One not so exciting change is feeling. All of a sudden I have to truly feel. When I get upset it’s like this unknown phenomenon, as if I have never felt sad, mad, angry or any other negative emotion in my life. Which is ridiculous, obviously in 29 years I have had my fair share of heartache but now I have to deal with it. I can’t ignore it; I can’t open a pint of ice cream and pretend I’m not experiencing emotions. The funniest thing is I didn’t even realize that’s what I was doing. I didn’t consciously say “ok, I’m upset, I think frozen yogurt will fix it” but eating frozen yogurt felt good, negative emotions not so much. So now I feel things much more intensely. The good thing is this includes positive emotions as well. I wonder if it’s like when people quit smoking and say they can really taste their food. It is as if I had sort of numbed my “feeling” senses.
I’ve got to admit I’d much rather not feel negative emotions but I think it’s a part of the journey. I’ve gotten the eating down, now I just have to get the internal stuff under control. I’ve got to handle life in a positive way, a way that doesn’t end up harming me in the end. So, today I might be a little teary eyed over something that normally wouldn’t faze me but I’m going to ride this wave and figure it out as I go. But I know that I’m getting further & further along on this journey and I can’t turn back now. So if losing the weight and keeping it off means I’ve got deal with some demons I will deal with them because healthy feels so good and that’s one emotion I LOVE feeling.
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