You know when I said this journey isn’t always easy? Well, this week has been one of those not so easy weeks. I have noticed that when life is routine and business as usual, staying on program is SOOOOO much easier. It is when it throws me a curve ball that things get complicated.
This week seemed like any other week, same basic schedule, but man, emotions were running high. Everyday threw something new at me. Things that maybe individually wouldn’t have been big but together seemed monstrous. I found myself mindlessly walking to the kitchen, standing before the open refrigerator searching for something. Not exactly sure what “something” was… pain relief, stress relief, ANY kind of relief... I felt as though if I stood there long enough I would find something promising comfort.
Okay, now for the honesty… I WISH I could say that at this point my inner voice yelled “STEP AWAY FROM THE ICE BOX!!!!” but alas, that would be a lie. Did I stress eat? Yes. Did I go off the deep end and completely fall of the wagon? No. But I did stumble.
My little Emotional Eating Escapade, as I have not so lovingly deemed it, led me to a very important question. Why didn’t my inner voice yell? I mean most of the time it is relentless until I walk out of the kitchen completely. What made this week different??? This is a biggie. It has taken A LOT of soul searching to figure this one out. But, I think I might have come up with the answer, or at least MY answer.
My little voice WAS yelling at the top of its lungs but it couldn’t find the right words so all I heard was “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” Now, if you knew my mother you would know that “NO” NEVER worked on me. I was the kid who, when told not to stick my fingers in the light socket would ask “Why?” and if the reason didn’t come fast enough, would make a B-Line toward the forbidden light socket. Yep, that’s right, I am a “WHY?” person. So, if you were going to tell me NO you had better be ready with a reason.
On this day my inner voice couldn’t figure out the why. Why was I wanting to eat? Why was I so upset that I was ready to ruin all the good I had done all day? Why would anything in this kitchen make me feel better? I didn’t know. All I knew was a) I was anxious b) I needed something to calm me down c) I wanted something FAST. I stood there asking myself everything I could think of “what’s going on?” “Are you hungry?” “Is there another way to comfort yourself?” Every questions came up with the same response “I don’t know!” which only added to the frustration. So finally I gave in, knowing good and well this had nothing to do with a physiological need to nourish my body, and everything to do with wanting to nourish my soul.
About half way through my protein bar (I know, why cheat with a protein bar, but I don’t keep “bad” food so, it’s all I had in my house LOL) things began to click. All of a sudden I was flooded with “Whys”. Every emotion I had been bottling up for the previous few days came rushing to the surface and it clicked. My little voice began labeling the emotions and their origins. Suddenly I was able to deal with the feelings and end my Emotional Eating Escapade.
Do I wish the “Whys” would have come sooner? Absolutely. Did I feel incredibly guilty about my stress eating moment? You know it! So, I called my mom (she was the only person I knew would be up at this late hour) and confessed my sins. I said, “Ok Mom, I just … I am telling you so it’s not a secret and so I can forgive myself and move on” She, knowing me a little too well, talked me through some of the emotions and anxiety I was feeling, helped me let go, and told me she was still proud of me. Maybe next time I will just start out by calling her J
